Last night was my second night back in the pool with the local triathlon club. The kids & I were sick one after another before Christmas so I'd been out about a month. The good news? Quitting smoking a month ago (I know I know, but I've quit so back off) made a MASSIVE difference to my lungs. The bad news? It didn't improve my fitness even a bit. Bah, I'm slow! Last night I hit a great groove and got right into my favourite swimming zone, which I guess is sort of like runners high (I mostly experience runners low). Anyway, I felt great and was keeping up with my lanemates and my mind just starting working away and righting all the wrongs of my world. I thought about money issues, I thought about the things I'd need to do to go back to work (clothes, Metropass, daycare - ack!, logistics of household stuff) and then my mind wandered even further and I thought about dating and love and all that jazz. Just before I'd left the house to go to the pool I had a little emotional crash where I felt anxious and sad and like I'm going to be alone forever. Funny how that stuff comes out of nowhere and hits you hard. So the tsunami of loneliness caught me off guard but I forced myself to the pool anyway, where it all got washed away and put back in perspective. The fact is that I ended my last relationship (ok, about 2 years later than I should have and it broke my heart into pieces) and I'm alone because I chose to be that way. Do I want a partner? Absolutely. I miss laughing and sharing stories/dreams, pillow talk, the stuff that happens before the pillow talk, and knowing that my heart is safe & loved and that I'm carefully caring for someone else's. I miss making a nice meal and sharing it with another adult. I miss someone coming up behind me, wrapping their arms around my waist and kissing the back of my neck. I miss that last one a lot actually. I want that all so very much that sometimes it's hard to rein myself in. But I know the pitfalls of not being choosy enough and that wisdom is enough to keep me on the path of 'alone until my socks are knocked clean off'. But then my deep thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Kyle, my swim coach, asking what my time was on that last 100m and me looking at him as if I'd never laid eyes on him before. Huh, what? Time? 100m? Uh oh. So I mumbled, "Um. I'm, uh, just going 5 seconds after him" and pointed pathetically at the swimmer in front of me. And my extremely talented, results-oriented (and built, in fairness to his biceps I can't really leave that out) coach took a deep breath, internally slapped his hand to his forehead and asked, hopefully, "Ok, can you get your time on the next one?". I nodded seriously and took off again, exactly 5 seconds after the swimmer ahead of me, and promptly got right back into dreamland. No times were remembered but I got a shitload of solid thinking done.
Sorry Kyle! Great workout though, I loved every minute!
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